Absurdity in the Quran

Then he flung down his staff and it became a serpent ... And he drew forth his hand and lo! it was white--26:32-33

1. "This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil)." There is no doubt about this or any other "Scripture". It is false. It wasn't revealed by God and it won't "ward off evil." 2:2
2. "Shall we believe as the foolish believe?"
   According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
3. "If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things." 2:20
4. And He taught Adam all the names."
   Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31
5. "And if ye are in doubt ... then produce a surah of the like thereof."
   If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the Quran.) 2:23
6. Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
7. Allah struck Moses with lightening and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it! 2:55-56
8. Allah stamped wretchedness upon the Jews at the time of Moses because they killed the prophets and disbelieved Allah's revelations. But what prophets could they have killed and what revelations could they have rejected? Most of the prophets and revelations came later, didn't they? 2:61
9. Allah turned the Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes. 2:65-66
10. "Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is."
    A load of silly bull shit about a yellow cow. 2:67-71
11. To settle a murder mystery, Allah brought a murder victim back to life by hitting his dead body with a piece of the yellow cow. The risen man then identified his murderer! 2:72-3
12. Allah makes a man "die" for 100 years, and then brings him back to life. 2:259
13. To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260
14. Muslims are the best people. Most Non-muslims are "evil-livers." 3:110
15. "Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers."
    (Believers always defeat unbelievers.) 3:139
16. Those who retreat while fighting in a holy war are inspired by Satan. 3:155
17. "Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead." 3:169-171
18. "We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah." 4:30
19. If you get dirty (by touching a woman or something), and can't find any clean water around at prayer time, you can clean up by rubbing your face and hands in some clean dirt. 4:43
20. Christians and Jews must believe what Allah has revealed to Muhammad or Allah will disfigure their faces or turn them into apes, as he did the Sabbath-breakers. (See 2:65-66) 4:47
21. "Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself." 4:79
22. If the Quran was not from Allah its critics would find some mistakes in it.
    (The Quran filled with mistakes. It is a silly, error-filled book. But even if the Quran didn't contain a single error, it would not prove that it was from Allah.) 4:82
23. Allah will also cause them to cut the catttle's ears and change Allah's creation. (This is interpreted to mean that Muslim men must not shave their beards, and Muslim women must not pluck their eyebrows.) 4:119
24. Jesus was not crucified. (It just looked like he was.) 4:157-8
25. When it's time to pray and you have just used the toilet or touched a woman, be sure to wash up. If you can't find any water, just rub some dirt on yourself. 5:6
26. The Quran repeats the silly story about Cain and Abel (though they are unnamed in the Quran). 5:27-31
27. "Allah sent a raven scratching up the ground, to show him how to hide his brother's naked corpse." 5:31
28. Allah has turned some Christians and Jews into apes and swine. 5:60
29. Allah warns believers not to ask to many questions. (Honest answers will cause them to lose their faith.) 5:101
30. Jesus made a bird out of clay that flew away when he blew on it. 5:110
31. The disciples of Jesus were muslims! 5:111
32. Jesus' disciples ask Jesus to send a table of food down from heaven. And he delivers! 5:112-114
33. After agreeing to send down a table of food from heaven, Jesus warns his disciples that will catch holy hell if they ever stop believing. 5:115
34. The Christian Trinity is the Father, Mother, and Son. 5:116
35. "See they not how many a generation We destroyed?"
    How could they (or anyone else who wasn't there) see Allah destroy previous generations? 6:6
36. True enough. There isn't a book, prophet, or angel that would have caused skeptics to believe the foolish things in Islam or Christianity. 6:7-9
37. Pets are people, too! 6:38
38. Allah guided Noah, David, Elisha, and Lot on a good and righteous path. 6:84-87
39. Allah created the jinn but he is not in partnership with them. 6:100
40. Allah appointed jinns to be the adversaries of prophets. 6:112
41. Jinns have led many humans astray. 6:128
42. The jinn were disbelievers. 6:130
43. "And of the cattle (He produceth) some for burdens, some for food. Eat of that which Allah hath bestowed upon you, and follow not the footsteps of the devil."
    The devil is a vegetarian. Kill and eat lots of animals so you won't be like him. 6:142
44. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 7:11
45. Adam and his nameles wife (Eve?) didn't know they were naked until they ate from the tree. 7:22
46. Entire nations of the jinn have been tormented with fire. (Since jinns were made from fire, they'll probably enjoy the fire of hell.) 7:38
47. Muslim commentators on the Quran tell us that Salih, through the power of Allah, turned a stone into a female camel. 7:73
48. "Then he [Moses] flung down his staff and lo! it was a serpent." 7:107
49. "And he [Moses] drew forth his hand (from his bosom), and lo! it was white." 7:108
50. We inspired Moses (saying): Throw thy staff! And lo! it swallowed up their lying show. 7:117
51. "So We sent against them the flood and the locusts and the vermin and the frogs and the blood - a succession of clear signs." 7:133
52. When Allah revealed himself to Moses, the mountain (Mt. Sinai?) came crashing down. 7:143
53. The golden calf mooed. 7:148
54. "The Prophet who can neither read nor write." 7:157-8
55. The Quran repeats (and embellishes somewhat) the absurdities of the Biblical Exodus. 7:160
56. Allah presented the Jews a big fish on the Sabbath day when they were forbidden to fish, and then withheld the fish on the day that they were permitted to fish. That'll teach them! 7:163
57. Allah turns humans into apes! 7:166
58. Those who deny Muhammad's revelations are like dogs. 7:176
59. "We lead them .. I give them ... He is but a"
    If the Quran is such a perfect book, why can't Allah keep his pronouns straight? 7:182-4
60. "This [the Quran] is naught but fables of the men of old." 8:30
61. "Allah is the best of plotters." 8:31
62. Exhort the believers to fight. They will win easily, because disbelievers are without intelligence. 8:65
63. "Allah ... sent down host ye could not see."
    Allah sent down angels (I guess) to fight for him! (But they were invisible so no one could see them.) 9:26
64. "The Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah." (Where and when did any Jew ever say that?) 9:30
65. "They have taken as lords ... their rabbis and their monks."
    Jews and Christians consider rabbis and monks to be partners with God? How do Muslims treat Muhammad? 9:31
66. Don't try to enjoy this life. The fun starts after you die. (If you are a good Muslim, that is.) 9:38
67. "Ye cannot harm Him at all." 9:39
68. Invisible armies!
    Allah supported Muhammad with armies that no one else could see. 9:40
69. Denying the revelations of Allah is the worst sin imaginable. 10:17
70. "Neither dust nor ignominy cometh near their faces." Muslims will look good in heaven. There'll be no dust on their faces! 10:26
71. "Ignominy overtaketh them - They have no protector from Allah - as if their faces had been covered with a cloak of darkest night."
    So people in hell will have dark (black) faces? 10:27
72. The Quran is so perfect it could never be invented. Go ahead and try to write a Surah as great as those in the Quran. 10:37-38
73. "Allah wrongeth not mankind in aught; but mankind wrong themselves."
    Nah, Allah never hurt anyone. Well, he did drown everyone on earth except Noah and his family. And he's going to torture every non-muslim forever after they die. But other than that (and other cruel stuff like it), what did Allah ever do to anyone? 10:44
74. The Pharaoh became a Muslim to avoid being drowned by Allah. 10:90
75. "And We verily did allot unto the Children of Israel a fixed abode."
    Really? Then why do modern Muslims object to Jews occupying the land (Israel) that Allah gave them? 10:93
76. A test for those who suspect that Muhammad invented the Quran: compose ten surahs like those in the Quran. (It shouldn't be hard to do much better than surahs 38, 40, 44, 47, 63, 66, 88, 105, 111, and 114.) 11:13
77. Allah created the heavens and earth in six days and set his throne upon water in order to test people to see who behaved better. 11:7
78. "This is the camel of Allah ... touch her not with harm lest a near torment seize you." 11:64
79. Allah will fill hell with humans and jinn. 11:119
80. What luck! There's a boy in my waterpail! 12:19
81. "If his shirt is torn from before, then she speaketh truth ... if his shirt is torn from behind, then she hath lied."
    Stupid tests like this can only be found in the Quran (or the Bible or the Book of Mormon). 12:26-27
82. "And Joseph's brethren came and presented themselves before him, and he knew them but they knew him not."
    Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Quran (and the Bible). 12:58
83. Everyone and everything (and their shadow) bows to Allah twice a day (whether they want to or not). 13:15
84. "And Satan saith...."
    Satan gives a little speach. 14:22
85. Allah created the jinn from fire. 15:27
86. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 15:28-31
87. God is pissed at Iblis for not bowing down and worshipping man. But why? Wouldn't this be idolatry? 15:32-33
88. Allah sends Iblis to hell for refusing to worship humans and then immediately changes his mind at Iblis' request. 15:34-37
89. "He hath cast into the earth firm hills that it quake not with you."
    Allah made mountains that that don't shake when you jump up and down. And lots of other stuff, too! 16:15
90. "He loveth not the proud."
    Allah is too proud to love proud people. 16:23
91. "What hath your Lord revealed ? they say: (Mere) fables of the men of old."
    Mo's critics were exactly right. What has he revealed? Just a bunch of fables of old (plus a few he made up himself). 16:24
92. "And thy Lord inspired the bee, saying ... eat of all fruits."
    Allah told bees to eat from all fruits, but decided to eat nectar and pollen instead. 16:68-68
93. Allah has prepared a painful doom for those who disbelieve in the Hereafter. 17:10
94. How many generations Allah has destroyed since Noah! 17:17
95. Allah will destroy every town before the Day of Resurrection. 17:58
96. Humans and jinn working together could not produce the Quran. 17:88
97. Mary complains to a palm tree about the pains of childbirth. The tree tells her to shake its trunk and ripe dates will fall. 19:23-25
98. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was the sister of Aaron. (Apparently, Muhammad confused Mary with Miriam.) 19:27-28
99. Moses turns his staff into a serpent. 20:18-20
100. The golden (or saffron-colored) calf mooed. 20:88
101. In Genesis (3:22-24), Adam and Eve are driven out of the Garden of Eden before eating from the "Tree of Life" and thereby becoming immortal. But here they eat from "the tree of immortality and power" -- yet they don't become immortal or powerful, they become ashamed of their nakedness. Why? 20:120-1
102. Allah gave judgment and knowledge to Lot. He was a righteous man. (Genesis 19:7-38) 21:75
103. Every person alive at the time of the flood was evil. So Allah drowned them all. 21:77
104. A husband can accuse his wife of adultery with only one witness (himself). But he has to swear five times (so he can count as four or more separate witnesses in accordance with 24.4). 24:6
105. "Say: Is that doom better or the Garden of Immortality?" 25:15
106. Moses turns his staff into a snake and makes his hand turn white. 26:32
107. Moses throws his staff down and it swallows the wizards' staffs. 26:45
108. Stay away from poets. The erring follow them. 26:224
109. With Allah's help, Moses turns his staff into a snake (or a demon). 27:10
110. For his second magic trick, Moses turns his hand white (with Allah's help, of course). 27:12
111. Solomon was taught the language of birds. 27:16
112. The Jinn and birds fought in Solomon's army. 27:17
113. Talking ants! 27:18
114. Solomon talks to the ants. 27:19
115. Solomon is upset that the hoopee is not among the birds in his army. 27:20
116. Solomon says he'll kill the hoopee unless he has a good excuse for his absence. 27:21
117. Moses, with Allah's help, turns his staff into a demon (which he then runs away from) and makes his hand turn white. 28:31-32
118. Noah was 950 years old at the time of the flood. [Genesis (7:11) says he was only 600.] 29:14
119. Lot is among the righteous. 29:26-27
120. Allah makes the deeds of unbelievers fruitless. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:19
121. The wives of Muhammad will be punished double for lewdness. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:30
122. Allah offered the heavens, earth, and hills the the duty of worshiping him, but they were afraid and refused. So humans got the job instead. 33:72
123. Allah gave Solomon some of the jinn to work for him. 34:12
124. Everyone followed Satan except for a group of true believers. 34:20
125. Those who worshipped the jinn will taste the doom of the Fire. 34:41
126. The devil is real. He and his followers will burn forever in the Fire. 35:6
127. Those in hell must eat from a tree with the heads of devils, and then drink boiling water. After that they return to hell. 37:62-68
128. Jonah was swallowed by a fish. 37:142
129. "We would be single-minded slaves of Allah."
     Just what the world needs: a few more single-minded slaves of Allah! 37:169
130. David was an excellent slave of Allah. 38:30
131. Allah made the wind obey Solomon. 38:34-36
132. Job kicked the ground and immediately a spring flowed out. 38:41-2
133. The angels worshipped humans, except for Iblis, who became one of the disbelievers. 38:73-4
134. Iblis asks Allah to let him hang around and mislead humans. Allah allows him to do so, and Iblis leads all humans to hell except for the single-minded slaves. Allah agrees, and plans to fill hell with Iblis and his followers. 38:79-85
135. Thus does Allah send astray the disbelievers (in his guidance). 40:74
136. If bad stuff happens to you, it's your own fault. 42:30, 42:48
137. Those in hell must eat from a tree (the tree of Zaqqum) like molten brass that burns their bellies. Then boiling water will be poured on their heads. 44:43-48
138. Do not lift your voice when in Muhammad's presence. Those who subdue their voices are righteous and will receive an immense reward from Allah. 49:1-3
139. Would you like to eat the flesh of your dead brother? 49:12
140. "We say unto hell: Art thou filled? and it saith: Can there be more to come?"
     Allah talks to hell about it's occupancy level. 50:30
141. Accursed are the conjecturers who ask: When is the Day of Judgment? It is the day they will be tormented by the Fire. 51:10-14
142. "The moon was rent in twain."
     Muhammaed split the moon into two pieces. Beat that one, Jesus! 54:1-2
143. Allah created the jinn out of smokeless fire. 55:15
144. The wives of Noah and Lot (who were both righteous) betrayed their husbands and are now in the Fire. 66:10
145. Allah made the stars as missiles to throw at devils. 67:5
146. When disbelievers hear the Quran, they roll their eyes and say "he [Muhammad] is indeed mad." 68:51
147. At the end of the world the earth with the mountains will be lifted up and crushed with one crash. 69:14
148. Disbelievers live in denial. 85:19
149. The Quran "is a conclusive word." 86:13
150. Allah dealt with the owners of the elephant by sending swarms of "flying creatures". 105:1-3
151. Only religious people help orphans or those in need. 107:1-3
152. "I seek refuge ... from the evil of that which He created."
     Allah is the creator of evil. We must try to avoid Allah's evil creations. 113:1-2
153. "I seek refuge ... from the evil of darkness."
     (Darkness is evil.) 113:1-4